A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
