my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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