I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
