I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
