I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
