Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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