five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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