I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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