I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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