The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
