omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
