Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
