Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
there's paper in my vomit.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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