just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
