I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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