I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize