We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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