You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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