I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
