The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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