Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
