Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
