Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
