Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize