It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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