Just mADE A PArabola og urine
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
