I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
