So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
