What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My penis needs a shock collar
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
