you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
