I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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