last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sorry my hands just texted you
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
do nipples grow back?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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