ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
