Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
