i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
bring money and cleavage
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize