I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
