he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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