So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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