you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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