she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
