is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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