sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
