But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
