Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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