I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
