i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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