for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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