i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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