Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
