You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
