i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i now understand why vodka
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
im on a boat
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