There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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