I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
