Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
