Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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