i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
