how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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