woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
